Thailand Update: The Freedom of Authenticity

Once I get a taste of the freedom that living authentically brings, I crave with a deep passion all things aligned and well with my soul.

It’s as if once I experience what it means to show up real and vulnerable, it physically pains me to live in any way that isn’t truthful to my soul.

There’s the heaviness of shame and self betrayal and justification and excuses that come with living out of alignment. The burden grows so overwhelming the more I betray my sense of self that it motivates me to honor that sense full heartedly in order to feel free again.

Here’s to living in my truth. Here’s to being a truth teller.

#RealityCheck — Here’s the reason I wrote that excerpt above: I’ve been coasting this past month living in Thailand — minimal breakdown, heartache, or disappointment. I was filled to the brim and overflowing. Some would say I was high on life. I was on a honeymoon adventure with my soul and I couldn’t have been happier.

Then, the past week or so, I became quite depressed and hard on myself. I was missing meals, isolating myself, living in the dark (literally), watching endless Netflix, and scrolling mindlessly through social media. I was sleep deprived while also somehow oversleeping — either way always ending up exhausted and drained of energy. I had three mental breakdowns in a row crying and spiraling.

As I dove deeper into why that happened in order to dig myself out of that hole, I came to realize that I was betraying my sense of self — ignoring my inner voice, throwing all my self care out the window, and no longer exercising my self love muscle. As my aligned being began to falter, the justifications and excuses rolled in enabling me to nurture my inner demons and continue stuck in that place. The weight grew heavier and heavier as my soul ached to be honored and heard. It only took a minor shove in the right direction to realign one by one. I am dedicated to showing up to life even when it’s uncomfortable and scary. Committed to myself — unbecoming everything that I am not and healing and nurturing the being that I am. Here’s to picking myself back up, giving myself a dose of grace, and trying again. After all…it’s okay to not be okay but you can’t stay that way.

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